I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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