He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize