the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
