I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
