I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
