I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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