I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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