I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
