have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
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