I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
