The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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