Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
