remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
