My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
