May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
