im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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