you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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