Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
