it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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