I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Randomize
