Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
