I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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