i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
