You just made me feel so damn special
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
