while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
