She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
