Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
