My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
