dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize