I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
