just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
