guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
