captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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