My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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