Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Tell her she can't have a vagina
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I wish you could order shots online.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
