I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She bit a glass in half.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize