I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
