When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
