I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
