life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
