Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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