hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
