3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
We have so much sex to catch up on
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
