Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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