The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
