cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
there is puke in my bra ... again
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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