Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
