Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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