you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I need moral support for this bender
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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