And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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