I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
