you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
