Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
