She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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