Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize