Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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